How Do I Help My Tween Who Clashes With His Teacher?
Ask the Experts: How do we sort out the personality clash from the academic struggles?
By Debra Collins, Family Therapist
Question: My son, who is a seventh-grader, is having problems in his math class. I know he doesn't understand some of the material. He also clashes with his math teacher. I have met with her. My son says she is mean and makes fun of students, and I know she has made one of his friends cry by making a very insensitive comment to him in front of the whole class. She does however try to keep on top of him and checks in with me which I like because I normally keep tabs on how my son is doing in all his classes. I have always done this. The problem remains though. How do we sort out the personality clash from his academic struggles and address both issues? What should I do?
Answer: This is often a difficult issue. Your acceptance of this complexity will help you gain clarity. You know your son is having difficulties in math, so is he projecting his frustration on to the teacher? Some questions to ask yourself might be: Do you feel that his accusations are credible? Have you had any negative interactions with her?
Some teachers have difficulty with classroom management. While there is no excuse for shaming children, there may be more to the story. It sounds like you have a good rapport with her. She has been cooperative with your requests, and keeps you informed of his progress. It might be helpful to inquire about your son's classroom behavior to help assess their relationship and to offer support. If after you explore the situation, you feel the teacher's behavior is inappropriate, you can ask for a meeting with the principal.
It is important not to jeopardize your relationship with your son. It is good that he can come to you with his concerns. You will want to keep that open communication without buying into his possible "blame game."
All of us need to learn how to tolerate frustration, accept personal responsibility and deal with difficult people. One way to help him with this is to encourage him to express his feelings that are independent of another's actions. For example, "I don't understand the math assignment and it makes me feel ….."You can also work with him to obtain more autonomy and personal responsibility for his school work by encouraging him to create his own plan for achievement. It is good to check in with teachers, but he also needs to learn how to problem-solve and take ownership of his behavior. When we are feeling good about ourselves, it can be easier to tolerate difficult people and realize our part of the problem and solution.
Debra Collins is a licensed marriage and family therapist. Debra has worked in both primary and middle schools as a school counselor. She gives workshops to teachers and students on a variety of topics concerning youth and families and offers parenting classes and parent coaching throughout the Bay Area. Debra is also a mental health assessor for the San Francisco Unified School District.
Got a Question?
If your middle-schooler has an academic or school-related behavior problem you would like help solving, send it to middleschool@greatschools.net.
Advice from our experts is not a substitute for medical or other professional advice and services from a qualified health-care provider familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's medical or emotional condition.
March 2008
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Comments From GreatSchools.net Users
05/7/2008:
"Listen to your child and don't assume the primary blame should probably fall on them. I did this my child's 6th grade year and wouldn't allow myself to believe a teacher could possibly do this. Teacher's are always there for support, encouragement, and building a child self-esteem? Not always! Be there to listen to your child their complaints maybe real or not, but you are sometimes the only one to build them up. I contacted the school principal.. .at years end. .to find out I wasn't the only one upset with the damage done in front of the class. But I can't say anything was done to stop what she was doing. I never received any explanation or apology for which I felt the was due. Most children will overcome, but we had serious fear going into the next school year. As this school year comes to a close. . . I have no complaints it's been good. We have rebuilt some self confidence and like (not fear) our teachers. The Christian office lady that knew how to talk and pray was a big part of helping us adjust to the new year too! You can only hope in a public school that there is a person like her for your child when they feel like school is so scary, but they are to big to have feeling like this. LISTEN to your child and let them know you are listening! and care. "
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