I worry that I am pressuring her into thinking that she has to be perfect at everything. She takes everything I say so literally. I want her to make A's, but the most important thing is to always do her best. How do I get her to understand that I have standards as far as grades and behavior without making her feel like she can never make a mistake?

Answer: At this age, children are going through many changes. Physically, they have ever-expanding motor skills and tons of energy. They are eager to try new activities and need lots of opportunities for physical movement to release pent-up energy. Socially, first-graders are more interested in peers than they were in kindergarten and enjoy activities that involve collaboration and pretend play. At the same time, they tend to attach strongly to their teacher and may feel somewhat competitive with one another; each child wants to be the first, the best and the center of the teacher's attention. Cognitively, the 6-year-old is better able to learn and retain increasingly challenging concepts such as addition, subtraction, capitalization and simple sight-reading. Despite all of this growth, the first-grader is still quite young in two pretty important ways: her emotional functioning and her mental reasoning skills.

Emotionally, 6-year-olds can be pretty reactive. They may giggle and act silly one moment and get their feelings bruised the next. They cry easily and are quick to become defensive and angry. The ability to control their feelings is not well-developed in 6-year-olds.

Their thinking is also concrete and rigid, which is why she takes what you say so literally. Thus, when you told her you want her to make A's, but said it was also OK to do her best, your daughter may have only absorbed the first part. She may feel she has to be perfect in her school work and behavior to be the best in the eyes of her teacher and possibly, you, her parent.

Instead of focusing on the results — grades — focus on the process. Emphasize learning, effort and fun. Teach her that that she can evaluate her activities in ways other than grades, such as whether she tried her best, whether she enjoyed the activity or whether she learned something new. Ask her to show you how to do a math problem. Show your daughter that it's OK to make mistakes. Let her see you make some errors and laugh together about it.

Dr. Stacie Bunning, Psy.D, is a licensed clinical psychologist in the St. Louis, Missouri, area. She has worked with children, adolescents and their families in a variety of clinical settings for 20 years. She also teaches courses in child psychology, adolescent psychology and human development through the lifespan at Maryville University in St. Louis.

Advice from our experts is not a substitute for medical or other professional advice and services from a qualified health-care provider familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's medical or emotional condition.

October 2007